This is your Brain on Star Trek

Cast of S.T.T.N.G.

The following is several numbered, humorous, lists regarding Star Trek. I found them on my computer and I think I've been carrying them around in my data files for over ten years. I'm not sure if they are still available on the web. So I'm putting them up here. They are in some cases a bit dated but still funny.

Enjoy.

The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek

10) You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number seven.

9) You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a trible.

8) You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the Enterprise.

7) Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon and torture you for information.

6) You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and crew while they were in the 20th century looking for a whale.

5) Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers of T.J. Hooker and Capt. Kirk.

4) You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek? Isn't that the one with Luke Skywalker?"

3) You have no life.

2) You recognize more than 4 references on this list.

1) You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you calculated for the planet Vulcan.

The Top Ten Bumperstickers on The U.S.S. Enterprise

10. "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!"

9. "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it"

8. "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!"

7. "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!"

6. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"

5. "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical."

4. "If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?"

3. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?"

2. "We brake for cubes!"

1. "Wesley On Board!"

Best Bumpersticker on Borg ship

"Blonde Borgs have the same fun."

Top 20 uses for Data's detached head

20. Combination paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk.

19. The ball in Parisis' Squares.

18. Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft.

17. Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet.

16. Scare blind students in Braille class.

15. Prop open doors for maintenance crews.

14. Lawn decoration in Arboretum.

13. Footstool for Captain's chair.

12. Entertaining kids in day care puppet show.

11. Scare Alexander into doing chores.

10. Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift.

9. Decorative air filter in Picard's fish tank.

8. Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get "ahead" in research.

7. Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards.

6. Two words: tether ball.

5. Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking.

4. Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet.

3. Donate to Starfleet Academy to be head of the class.

2. Use as nutcracker at Christmastime.

And the number one use for Data's detached head is:

1. Prove to insurance company he died so crew can collect on his life insurance policy.

Surefire Signs Star Trek is taking over your life

1. Saying "make it so" in casual conversation.

2. Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include dilithium and tritanium.

3. Able to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without excessive thought first.

4. More than one pair of Spock ears on junk drawer.

5. Have figured out the stardate system.

6. Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra.

7. Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol.

8. The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams.

9. Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible, and "The Omega Glory".

10. Memorization of the crew's authorization codes.

11. Forgetting that present-day elevators don't have voice interface.

12. Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments.

13. Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the Enterprise from the Franklin Mint.

14. Understanding Klingon.

15. Lecturing any science professor on how transporters work.

16. Playing fizzbin and understanding it.

17. "The Outrageous Okona" seems like a fine piece of writing and dramatic stylistics.

18. Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects sequences in ST:TMP. (Star Trek: The Motion Picture.).

19. Inexplicable rock-climbing urges.

20. More than three original episode outlines buried in your drawers.

Top Ten Best (Worst) Ways to Kill Wesley Crusher

10. After slugging down six Shirley Temple's in 10-forward, Wes stumbles to the holodeck, which he commands to "take me to hell." His broken body is later found on the empty holodeck in a pool of vomit.

9. Wesley gets gang-raped by a group of female Klingons.

8. Riker gets carried away executing an order from Picard to "knock the little snot around a bit."

7. Data catches him tossing off. Uncomprehending, he requires a detailed explanation from Wesley, who dies of embarrassment.

6. Extensive lab analysis of a green slime found on one of the control panels uncovers the fact that our favorite ensign has, once again, been picking his nose. He is summarily fired and commits suicide.

5. Wes gets gang-raped by a group of male Klingons.

4. On an earlier episode, Wes got to kiss a girl who turned into a Chewbacca-like creature. Here, she returns, and they once again get involved. (Un)fortunately, once she gets really heated, she mutates back into a wookie and forces Wesley to be her cringing sex slave. She then tears him limb from limb and eats him.

3. In a rare episode involving characters from both ST, (Star Trek), and ST:TNG, (Star Trek: The Next Generation.), Spock attempts a Vulcan mind-meld with Wesley. Wesley's head explodes. Spock barely survives, spending the next several days scratching himself and whining.

2. Worf notices a Romulan ship on the scanners, and sends Wesley down to clean out the photon tubes. Later, someone makes a comment about the needs of the many having outweighed the needs of the few.

1. Wes gets involved in a deviant sexual practice known as "tribble stuffing," not realizing that tribbles multiply any where. Even an emergency laser enema by Dr. Crusher fails to save him.

21 Things that never happen in Star Trek

1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before.

2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.

3. Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly.

4. The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform wearing a funny hat.

5. The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick-bay.

6.The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.

7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without a serious incident.

8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.

9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.

10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.

11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some candy.

12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems.

13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.

14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.

15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.

16. Counselor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.

17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.

18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.

19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.

20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.

21. The Enterprise is waylaid by a couple of $7.99 surplus Klingon cruisers, but the superior firepower of federation phasers blows them into bits too small to find on the first shot.

The Top Ten Favorite Activities of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard

10. Ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on the forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!"

9. Yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees a shuttlecraft

8. Screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge

7. Spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his forehead

6. Lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other life-forms

5. Sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if Dick Hertz is there

4. Asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her "a REAL Picard Maneuver"

3. Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the Neutral Zone by asking "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?"

2. Telling crewmembers in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead, Make it so"

1. Putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team beams back up

Top nine fun things to do aboard the Starship Enterprise

9. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft

8. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data

7. Giving Worf A nuggie

6. Ordering Pizza from Domino's then going 30 min. into the future just to piss them off (haha, free pizza!)

5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Folger's crystals

4. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during self-destruct sequence

3. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression

2. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they've beamed aboard Prince Albert In A Can

1. Tribble sex!

These were taken from the "Official Klingon Joke Book".

Q, How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?

A, None. Klingons aren't afraid of the dark.

Q, What do they do with the dead bulb?

A, Execute it for failure.

Q, What do they do with the Klingon who replaces the bulb?

A, Execute him for cowardice.

Pierre Cloutier